I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
