I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
