i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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