Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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