And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
