On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
