i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
