Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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