I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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