Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
