had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
