Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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