he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Randomize
