I must be too annoying 4 u.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
