4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
