This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
