dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
