Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
