The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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