guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
