i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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