I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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