Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
