I like my sex mixed with concussions.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
