She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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