I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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