So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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