This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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