we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize