Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
