They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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