areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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