I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
