im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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