i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
