dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
