Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
