Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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