i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
