You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
