i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
do nipples grow back?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
