If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
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