John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize