apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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