Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
