he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
