This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize