i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
