I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
