apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
