there's paper in my vomit.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
