I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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