Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
