well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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