whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
