Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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