I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
