There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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