Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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