I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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