theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
