...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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