omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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