The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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