wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
