i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
