There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
