Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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