White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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