dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
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