How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
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