You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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