just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
