I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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